The cold of morning, dawning,
Yawning through the window;
Not slowly, but swiftly, splaying
Across the picture with a faintness of blush.

Orange and yellow, purple and pink,
And blue and white, and a whisper of night.
The cold is moist like a film that clings
To my skin.

But it's warm.
And I don't feel hungry any more.
And my throat isn't dry.

A golden glory of a promising
Summer parades through the shanty of evanescent mist.
I'm bathed and basking
In its wholesome embrace.
It melts the skin on my face.

I now think I could sit here for hours,
Meditating.
I should sit straight. But I can't.
My back hunches back over as the strain tells.

I wish now he were here around me......
His tall frame.... and his broad shoulders,
And with his solid chest surround me....
And sit with me.

Then I see an image in the street and I think I could do without him.
Without them in general.
But then I think of him, and I don't want to.

Because Life's limited my choices

I want to go to college.

Bottom line kind of business. It's all I want. That's it.
After that, nothing. NOTHING! I'll work and make my way. Not a problem.

But I'm a fucking student now, and I don't have the money to put myself through college. And it's ALL because of my parents. I know it's a harsh, hurtful, mean thing to say. But it's the truth.
My dad's a doctor, but life's been hard on him. He hasn't practised in years, and he doesn't earn all that much. My mum hasn't worked for many years, and she doesn't have enough money now to put both me and my brother through college.
Worst part of it is.....I know they'd pay for him to go to college and study Hotel Management before they'd pay for me to go to college and study Medicine.

My dad won't give me a penny. Not a paisa. And usually, I can handle these things with some kind of dark, comical, sardonic humour. But not this. When he told me, I almost cried. And I was staring at him, and I'll never forget the look on his face.
It was smiling.....it was grotesque. Like he was mocking me. "What the fuck did you expect?" it was saying,"You didn't actually expect me to pay for you???!!!" He was laughing at me.  I'd never hated him more. But I still love him.....I'm just so angry at him and mum, and everybody. WE'RE NOT POOR PEOPLE!!!

My dad's going to Darjeeling at the end of this month. And a while back, he missed his flight so he bought a seat on the next flight to Bangalore the same day. It's fine when it comes to him, but not for us. My brother's made his peace with it. He's taking a student loan. But that fact is....a medical course costs a HELL of a lot more. In the words of my mum, "Medicine is bloody expensive."

No shit.

I ASKED him if i could get a job in 2010 to help pay for my fees. And he'd said no. No college fund. Nothing.
It's like he doesn't care what happens to me. My DAD!!! Sometimes, I feel like it's something worse...like he wants me to stay here, and fail, and never get anywhere with anything.

He wants me to study for the JOINT ENTRANCE EXAM in one year!! He puts me in an A level school, and then he tells me I have no choice. The course is NOWHERE similar. I'll do badly, and I'm turning 20 this year. My A2 level results will be out by the time I'm 21. And after 22 years of age, I won't be able to appear for the PMT exam ever again.

He blames me and my mum and everything else for the situation. But not him; it could never be HIS fault. Life has been hard on him....I know....he had a lot taken away from him. But he doesn't love me anymore. I can tell. My uncle, who had 4 kids, no matter how much they hated him or fought with him, put all 4 of them through college. And my dad has 2 kids, and he WON'T even help one of them.

Well, if he did, it would be my brother. And I know that. More clearly now than I did before. Same for my mum. She already told him that if he didn't get into Taj in India she'd help him get into a program at the University of Edinburgh.

It breaks my heart.

I'd have to turn to my 95 year old grandfather for help. My dad wouldn't even ask him on my behalf. And he's deaf....how would I possibly ask him??? How!!??

My whole life I've been raised to do things for myself, take care of myself, not accept help from others. And now, I can't, and I have nowhere else to go. Noone helps foreign students who want to study medicine. I thought it was the perfect job for me. I really did.

And the WORST, absolutely WORST part of it is that I can't talk to anybody about it. Since my brother got his girlfriend, he couldn't be bothered with anyone else in the house. My mum lives in London now, and I tried telling her about it, but she doesn't understand, and she doesn't listen......she tries.....very hard.....but she's too far away to help me. My friends are all in love....and they can only talk about that.
How can you bitch about your dad to random people like that? Not that my friends are random, they just....they're just the kind to be aghast and think I've lost my mind and try and resolve everything by saying, "It'll be fine." Because they don't actually care what happens to me.

I've said a lot of harsh things today. But it's all true. My father doesn't love me enough to try and get some money for me to go to Medical College. My mum doesn't have the means. And if either of them did, they'd pay for Drona's tuition before they'd pay my cab fare. My friends are fair weathery. And I've run out of options.
I've made my peace with it.
"I'll never be a doctor", maybe that's another one I should make my peace with as well.

I wish atleast I had someone close I could talk to about it. But I have a feeling, for lack of anything better to say, he'd probably just tell me, "Everything's gonna be fine."

Fuck them.
I'm gonna try. I'm gonna try doing well in the A levels and I'm gonna try studying for Joint. What's the worst that could happen? If nothing else, I'll study law.

My dad hates lawyers.