At the end of my ISC examinations early on last year, I went to London to visit my mum. My parents are divorced and my mum lives there. In London, I decided that I wanted to be a doctor. So, instead of going to college after that, I ended up going back to school to finish 2 years of A-level education and pursue a medical degree. I've convinced myself that it's the right thing to do. Don't ask me why, I can barely convince myself anymore now, and it's only been 6 months.
Now, with the new year beginning, I was hoping for some change. But I'm depressed and I can't function properly anymore. I'm not eating well; I just realized, I have aches and pains everywhere on my body, I can't study or enjoy TV. I miss being in a friendly place, familiar and comforting. I'm so ashamed about doing this I keep telling people I'm taking a gap year and that I'll be applying for college next year....which I won't be. I just wanted to get them off my back for a while. I don't want to be asked questions. I don't know myself why I do half the things that I do. And in India, one doesn't do things like this.... no one deviates like this. But whomever I have told so far, has been supportive. And I am grateful for that.
But my year's coming to an end and I have to decide if this is what I want to do with my life. And I still don't know.
I'm all about the long term. I've never been in a relationship because I know it won't last. Isn't that something? I know it's wrong, and I should try it anyway...and I will. It's just that... sometimes I feel like I'm not just thinking about it with my head. Though most of the decisions seem pragmatic; sometimes I feel like I'm doing what I'm 'supposed' to be doing. Like I have a bigger purpose; a role I have to fulfill.
I'm not kidding about that thing. I always say you make your own fate. But sometimes, I don't believe it for myself. I used to feel like God was adjusting my course to suit his designs. But I don't feel like that anymore. I feel directionless sometimes. And sometimes I feel completely convinced in my choices. If a person had to taste your blood to understand your composition, mine would be different every second.
Who could depend on a person like that? Who could love a person like that?
And I really want to be loved. Really, badly. And I know the person who truly loves me will love me just as I am..blah blah blah.... But they won't love me the way I want to be loved. I'm delusional in that respect. I think I'd want the guy to like worship the ground I walk on....in silence. Uhm, anyway, off-topic.
A good friend of mine told me to carry through with this doctor thing. Some of my family members are punch pleased. "Oh, another doctor in the family....how exciting!". And if I work hard, I could get good and earn pots by the time I'm 35. Ah, see, I feel convinced now. I suppose I'd feel safer about them if I got a boyfriend. Studies show that a stable relationship could be a key ingredient to success. Anyhow, today was just one of those low-self-esteem-days when I went for classes and came home unsatisfied and depressed cause I don't really like my classmates. Thank god my mates from the old school are still very close. I know, I know, I'm lucky....Things could always get worse. Let's just hope they don't.
Mmmm, dinner at my house always smells better than it tastes. I feel like studying and working now....but I won't and all this adrenaline will go away. Damnit. I'm going to give my SAT's soon I hope. Let's hope I don't kill myself before this mission is over. Oh yeah, and that the world doesn't end before I finish this course. I really want to go to college before I die. And to fall in love. And to kiss someone at the stroke of midnight on New Year's Day. And to go to London and see my mum. And sharing an apartment with my friends. And to travel across Europe with my sister (she's my favourite cousin). And to get married. I'm not looking forward to pregnancy all that much. And to get my first paycheck.
Yes, it's a long list so far, I know. But this isn't even half of it. =D
Thanks for listening.
 |
| Crap ! |
Now, with the new year beginning, I was hoping for some change. But I'm depressed and I can't function properly anymore. I'm not eating well; I just realized, I have aches and pains everywhere on my body, I can't study or enjoy TV. I miss being in a friendly place, familiar and comforting. I'm so ashamed about doing this I keep telling people I'm taking a gap year and that I'll be applying for college next year....which I won't be. I just wanted to get them off my back for a while. I don't want to be asked questions. I don't know myself why I do half the things that I do. And in India, one doesn't do things like this.... no one deviates like this. But whomever I have told so far, has been supportive. And I am grateful for that.
But my year's coming to an end and I have to decide if this is what I want to do with my life. And I still don't know.
I'm all about the long term. I've never been in a relationship because I know it won't last. Isn't that something? I know it's wrong, and I should try it anyway...and I will. It's just that... sometimes I feel like I'm not just thinking about it with my head. Though most of the decisions seem pragmatic; sometimes I feel like I'm doing what I'm 'supposed' to be doing. Like I have a bigger purpose; a role I have to fulfill.
I'm not kidding about that thing. I always say you make your own fate. But sometimes, I don't believe it for myself. I used to feel like God was adjusting my course to suit his designs. But I don't feel like that anymore. I feel directionless sometimes. And sometimes I feel completely convinced in my choices. If a person had to taste your blood to understand your composition, mine would be different every second.
Who could depend on a person like that? Who could love a person like that?
And I really want to be loved. Really, badly. And I know the person who truly loves me will love me just as I am..blah blah blah.... But they won't love me the way I want to be loved. I'm delusional in that respect. I think I'd want the guy to like worship the ground I walk on....in silence. Uhm, anyway, off-topic.
A good friend of mine told me to carry through with this doctor thing. Some of my family members are punch pleased. "Oh, another doctor in the family....how exciting!". And if I work hard, I could get good and earn pots by the time I'm 35. Ah, see, I feel convinced now. I suppose I'd feel safer about them if I got a boyfriend. Studies show that a stable relationship could be a key ingredient to success. Anyhow, today was just one of those low-self-esteem-days when I went for classes and came home unsatisfied and depressed cause I don't really like my classmates. Thank god my mates from the old school are still very close. I know, I know, I'm lucky....Things could always get worse. Let's just hope they don't.
Mmmm, dinner at my house always smells better than it tastes. I feel like studying and working now....but I won't and all this adrenaline will go away. Damnit. I'm going to give my SAT's soon I hope. Let's hope I don't kill myself before this mission is over. Oh yeah, and that the world doesn't end before I finish this course. I really want to go to college before I die. And to fall in love. And to kiss someone at the stroke of midnight on New Year's Day. And to go to London and see my mum. And sharing an apartment with my friends. And to travel across Europe with my sister (she's my favourite cousin). And to get married. I'm not looking forward to pregnancy all that much. And to get my first paycheck.
 |
| I feel happy again! |
Yes, it's a long list so far, I know. But this isn't even half of it. =D
Thanks for listening.
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