The rat race

It's been a fairly long time since I've blogged. I've been trying to prepare for the finals- the A2 exams. That's right...they're finally here!! And I really really wanna finish with a bang! However, I haven't finished completely studying any of the syllabi and I'm tired of studying...not to mention desperately lonely (I've been cooped up indoors for weeks now with nothing but my books), unbelievably tired and mildly depressed.

Dads signed me up for every indian medical entrance examination possible. Mums egging me on to apply in usa. Dronas distant as usual. Neel and I haven't been able to talk in ages. And my other friends are giving me space so I can study. Bottom line - I'm alone. More so now because I'm trying to tackle physics. I can't handle the pressure anymore. I don't want to study anymore. And I'm not prepped for anything. The mock exams start next week and I'm supposed to be attending a birthday party day after.
FML.
I've received admission into 3 universities but I'm yet to apply to the ones I want. And to top it off, I have to give 3 exams during my A levels and dads constant hankering and mood swings don't help.
Mums in london trying for love again. *sigh. Its all I want for her but even I'm getting tired of seeing her disappointed by rubbish men who aren't worth the time of day.
My sleeps bad......I'm not eating well (no wonder I'm tired)...sometimes I wish I didn't have to deal with the pressure. All I really wanna do right now is curl up in bed with "pride and prejudice".

Why is it?

Why is it that on all of our monthly anniversaries Neel and I are always fighting? It's like self sabotage...we know it's coming and we get aggravated. Or is it only one of us that tips the scales?
With Valentines Day knocking on the door, I don't know what to do. We've been fighting and not talking for the past 3 days. Things are never gonna work if we can't sort these things out. Long distance relationships are hard enough as it is. All we have left is communication.
I want this to work so badly. I can't even articulate how much I want us to work out. I'm scared to say it aloud because I might jinx it.
More than anything I want to break this vicious cycle of "fighting on anniversaries". We have to celebrate our life...all the little things! We have to stop fighting!

Coke, Pepsi and Glycolysis

I've just spent the last hour or so making notes and trying to understand cellular respiration. I always confuse the respiration processes with photosynthetic processes! -.-

But not this time!

With the exams approaching I am determined to have a crystal clear understanding of my biology topics. Honestly, I'm itching to do the question papers but those won't help at all if I don't study and cover the material. All I've had to keep me going is a glass of pepsi followed by a pet bottle of Coke.
Something is wrong now. My eyelids are heavy, I have a mild headache and my eyes look kinda glazed over. Either it's an adverse side effect of the high calorie drinks, a somatised or physiological manifestation of my aversion to the Kreb's cycle or melancholia cause Neel hasn't texted me all day.
I'm not a clingy anything by nature but I think I'm becoming a little too emotionally dependent on our relationship when I should really be looking for some independent work time now that my exams are looming. *sigh
Anyway, Kreb's cycle, here I come!

Was für eine Liebe!

We had our EYP this past Friday. It was amazing. I mean the songs were fine....needless to say people enjoy dances more....but that didn't dilute the experience for moi atleast.
I got something I wasn't expecting at all. The British High Commissioner was the Guest of Honour and presented the students with their prizes and certificates during the Prize Distribution. I received a prize. After my dismal performance in the past January mock exams, I actually received a prize!
I was in shock!
It was for Consistent and Distinctive performance in the Science subjects at the A level. I don't think it's sunk in yet....

Mum and Dad are punch pleased, though mum would rather I focus on my applications for the university fair tomorrow.

The best part, however, is that it's given me renewed confidence and an urge to study and finish this course with a bang.

I'm looking at the university search with a lot more hope now and I hope to god everything works out for the best...for me. :P

First time's a charm

Jhilik told me over christmas about this superbly easy recipe for italian pasta with cheese sauce. So for a first attempt I thought this would be the perfect thing to start off a long life of fine cooking.
I don't know my way around a kitchen so naturally my maids had to help me find the proper utensils, cutlery, ingredients and even light the stove. It was soooo embarassing at first.
But then I started handling the ingredients and watching the noodles cook. I felt a little bit more in control. I knew exactly what I had to do, though I was second guessing and doubting every instruction the whole time.
But trust in jhilik! That girl knows what she's doing. Masala! Cheese! Italian seasoning! Red chilli flakes! Then I added a little more italian seasoning for good measure. I reckoned there wasn't enough from just the one addition.
I put it in the bowl and smelled it properly for the first time....and it smelled delightful! I tucked in after it cooled off a bit.
It was delicious! It was better than restaurant quality italian pasta!!! It was phenomenal.
I could easily stomach another bowl of it.
I guess you can get it right the first time. Mum had to make 100 batches of cheesecake before she finally got the ingredients right and made the perfect orange cheesecake with cake base the past christmas in Scotland.
It made her so happy! It was like her Everest!
Today, italian cheese pasta. Tomorrow, orange cheesecake with a cake base. Baby steps!

I'm so glad it was a good dish today! So very very glad!

Bengali girls should know how to cook

It's a lot harder than it sounds.

Girls like me have never had the need to enter the kitchen. There's always someone else around to cook the food and definitely heaps better than we ever could have. If it's not the maids, it's your mum; if it's not your mum, it's your grand mum; if it's not your grand mum, it's your aunt; if there's no one else, it's your dad. If you're alone, there's always takeout!

I keep thinking about opening a cookbook, buying the ingredients and finally cooking myself (and maybe others) a meal. But I realised how unnatural it feels to look at the kitchen, let alone enter the kitchen. Plus when I'm in there I always have someone or the other breathing down my neck- one of the maids, never family- and that's just when I go in to look for food, not even to cook.

I don't cook unless I need to. For example, when Diya fell ill I cooked her "sheddho kolaa" and I've made tea multiple times. I make good tea.

Yes, yes, I know what you're thinking. She's pathetic!

In this regard, I am. It's truly miserable. Even Drona's learning how to cook in his Hotel Management course! And he's a boy. It doesn't matter how good a surgeon I become...I will always be considered a "goono-heen meye" if I don't learn how to cook, clean, sew, darn, knit, crochet, etc. and be able to dance and sing half-decently.
My husband won't love me if I can't cook him cuisine at home. Men are so hard to please. Neel's gonna want posto- the ADDICT! It's his favourite dish.

Urgh! I'll try making Maggi-pasta tomorrow. I have all the ingredients at home anyway. Let's hope I actually enter the kitchen and do it. Believe me, that is the real challenge- forcing myself to do something I don't yet need to (or want to) do. But better learn now before it's too late....and I kill my family with food poisoning. 

Morning time

My sleep pattern has normalized lately since I fell ill almost two weeks ago. Haven't heard a word from Drona or Diya. The treacherous D's!
I woke up early today to finish a physics homework I was supposed to have finished over the weekend, which I spent studying and understanding integration. The homework is about "How to detect magnetic fields" using a search coil, a hall probe and a current balance. Now while the two former devices are understandable and simplistic, the latter is complex and intricate.
I was looking up videos and websites on the net all morning trying to figure out how to explain the working principle of a current balance and found nada...nichts...nothing! Well nothing that made sense to me! And then I realize that there is a simplified model of the current balance in the book! Fricken Page 376! It's so annoying to put all that back breaking work into an assignment! And finally be thwarted/rescued by a simple diagram in ur textbook! Why didn't I look there before.
Should be testament to the fact that I've never truly studied the text book before. Better start now! I have less than an hour before class starts!
Wish me luck!

Bleh SAT prep

It's Monday. I have my SATSubject tests on Saturday...this coming Saturday. 3 frigging tests and I am nowehere near prepared. I've been SAT bio all day and I've about almost finished one book without remembering all the little details. I'm a goner. A goner for sure. I still have chem and math left. I've been registered for math 2....I couldn't even ask if I could switch and give math 1 on test day because the american centre offices are closed today! Martin Luther King's birthday.

Female abuse in india

I just finished writing an essay about the aforesaid title. The research depressed me. My god, men in india have no morals at all! I called neel and he didn't help either because he cannot carry a conversation unless he's high and he doesn't like talking about rape because it's not real for him.

I called mohona after and god knows that woman has a brain so we got into it and I loved being able to talk to someone about it.
Then mum called and things got worse. Pressure, pressure!

Then I bathed in hot-cold water, bought food and now tv. This is sooooothing.

Getting to the bottom of my work

Well, the pile seems endless...

And I'm not even nearly done. I've got A2 level syllabus to catch up on...SAT 2 prep to complete....the US essays to write....and then there's more after that. I could really do with a bit of help...but no such luck it seems. And I'm as tired as a donkey that's been travelling uphill with 2 sacks of manure on its back for days!

Neel and I are still not entirely patched up but I think now is not the best time for that reconciliation. I need to work.

I wish though I could get some rest. I could sleep for hours and hours at this point and still not feel any more rested. How I envy those on vacation on the beach somewhere warm!!! Basking in the radiance of that warm, sultry sun....seeping in that extra melanin stimulating radiation....falling oh-so-blissfully asleep baked warm and tender....oh those gorgeous REM cycles....how I do miss them! Though that's possibly the least of my problems at this point....200 people have died in India from the cold. In the continental areas and at higher altitudes, temperatures have been dropping to between 3 and 0 degree Celcius.
For all you bravehearts out there, this winter is not the season to be prancing about outside without 3 good layers of thermal lining! Your body heat can only do so much good without the appropriate insulating layers. Happy travelling!

The things we do for love

So, el knight in shining armour finally decided to call....while I was taking a long distance call from my mum....so I put them on conference.....and then we had a heart to heart when I finally lay down the law.
I need to think about me now....for a while atleast till my exams end. He needs to think about me as well. It's not okay to make me wait for him, and worry bout him and wonder where he is and why he suddenly isn't messaging or calling. I need space now, and time to focus.
He's a good guy, though. I got a good one. Not perfect....not nearly....but a good one.
P.S.: Dads back to being civil, mum's great and faraan's been calling incessantly to find out if I talked to Mohona....but I told him that she would tell me when she's free to talk. Men! Such thick skulls they have.

I need my hero

Neel has been apologizing all day. Then his net probably went off and he hasn't messaged me all afternoon, evening and night. I miss him. And I wish he would atleast call.
It makes me wonder: do people in love act this aloof? It's interfering with my ability to focus on my studies. But I spent the evening scanning documents I'll need for college applications.
I wish he'd call though. It'd make me feel heaps better and god knows I'm too proud to pick up the phone. Call already!

A day in the life

So, I've been fighting with my dad and my boyfriend a lot recently...for different things....and they've been saying a lot of hurtful things. So it's safe to say I'm not in the best state of mind.
I've been struggling to finish my college applications and I have a sneaking feeling I won't be able to submit them in time.
Dad's against the idea of my going to america to study anything...says he won't give up shit for me to go on a fun holiday there....because, to him, that's what my undergraduate course would be. Suffice it to say, dad would rather gag to death, than see me ever enjoy myself. Ah, such blissful family relationships!

Neel, on the other hand, is mostly fine except when he sometimes just does things to annoy me. He makes me come online on Skype yesterday, then makes me wait 20 minutes and then comes online from his phone and goes offline repeatedly (though, admittedly, not his fault....his net is shit). But then he finally calls me to tell me he'll call me again in 45 mins. And that just ripped my cord. I hung up and didn't pick up his next 10 calls.
Faraan and I chatted and that cheered me up....but this looks dangerously like an avenue which will lead to my breaking up with Neel. And that I do not want.