Ditcher

I've got my Physics practical exam today. It's a 'bandh' today, i.e. a transport strike today in West Bengal because petrol prices have been hiked, but Mamata didn't condone it, so, naturally, some vehicles are still running, though not many as far as I can tell. Either way, the point is that my exam will be held from 6pm to 8 pm in the evening.

I hope I can get a bus to Hazra in time.

My brother came home today from Salt Lake, suggested going out for lunch, and after I decided I would go with him, his friend calls up and offers to get him invited to a random girl's birthday party. My brother, douche that he is, readily agrees, the friend gets him invited and he's ditching me to go to some random girl's birthday treat. -.-

I'm not really even that mad or surprised, plus I already ordered pizza. :D Still, I hate it when people take other people for granted like that. As if my time or the consideration of my feelings doesn't count. X(
Out of courtesy he should've still offered to come to lunch with me, after which I, out of my infinite benevolence, would've told him forget about it, to go and enjoy himself at some random's place.

But Drona doesn't have courtesy and manners programmed into his system. A free lunch during which he can flirt with girls, not 2 weeks after his break up with his last girlfriend. -.- And he wonders why I think he's lowly.

Mmmmmmm, I hope the pizza doesn't make me hungry. It's almost here.

Feels Like Odds Are Against Me (not always, just now). I hate me too.

My brother's doing Hotel Management. People in India, stuffy as they are, think it's a meagre degree. But frankly, there's tremendous potential for growth and profit in that industry. He got into college in one afternoon. I could kill myself. -.-

For me the process is very veryyyyyy different. I'm studying AS, and soon A2 material. I'll be applying to USA, UK and Canada and maybe Russia, China and Singapore. I have to research the institutes i like and make a list. Damnit. I have to finish my As exams (currently on), A2 next May-June, SAT's, Toefl, UCAS and study this ginormous syllabus for the Indian Pre Medical Entrance cum Eligibility Test. All by my lonesome self.

Dad's not helping, not even financially as I have been made to understand it. Mum's too far to help, though I doubt it would do any good. I need someone who will help me apply, like a personal assistant with super skills or something cause for the next year I will be spending way too much time studying to do any of this stuff.

Mum's like "just do it, just get into a fantastic institute somewhere abroad. Just get a scholarship and come over to London." I say "okay, I'll try." But what I'm really thinking is, " If it were that easy do you really think I'd need you to tell me that??" The pressure doesn't usually get to me, but like my brother's been butting into my business recently, and that irks me. I feel awful, and very ill of confidence.

It's not just me, this happens to every youth in West Bengal.

I feel so lonely sometimes with noone to whom I can talk. Like today, Dad's gone to Hyderabad, brother's spending the night in Salt Lake, and I'm in a house with 5 other people that I can't talk to (3 maids, a deaf grandparent and a crazy grandparent, 3 of whom I love). I don't want a boyfriend, but in these lonely moments, you can't help but wish there was someone around, someone helpful, someone who actually wanted to help, someone who actually tried to help with more than just words.

Junk food is not affording me any comfort. My Physics exam was crap; I'll probably have to do it again in October/November. I'm so tired of trying to do well. I wish we had a continuous assessment system. I suck at giving exams!!!! It doesn't mean I'm stupid!!!!!!! I wish I were in college already.

I don't even care what kind of college anymore. Anything would do. *Gasp. What am I saying???
I have to remind myself that I'm only working this hard so that I can go somewhere good. Uff, they should give me A's just for appearing for the exam. -.-

Worst time ever today. I had a Chemistry practical exam and i was sleepy so naturally it didn't go well. I wanted some rough paper. I swear to god if they'd given me rough paper I would've been able to finish and get all my answers right.....but now??? If I don't get an A in AS Chemistry it's gonna be because of my damn practical exam. I could cry. I burnt my finger on a test tube as well. And I didn't get a bunch of answers.

I assume I'm gonna have to give the exam again in October- November which I was kind of hoping I could reserve for SAT exams, but Life is luckless for me. I know that the remainder of my exam need to go stunningly but I just can't muster up the will power to get to the books. I feel like rubbish. And it doesn't help that I have literally no moral support system at home. It would've been better if I'd been here completely alone and fending for myself rather than surrounded by 11 apathetic people.

I can't talk to anyone, not even my 'friends', who have other more ridiculous concerns. Sometimes I wish I just got married off. It would atleast mean going somewhere far away from here.
I might not even get into medical college with these marks.
Dhyut!!!

I'm so depressed I'm listening to the original soundtrack of "The Hunger Games."