Wednesday 30 May 2012

Feels Like Odds Are Against Me (not always, just now). I hate me too.

My brother's doing Hotel Management. People in India, stuffy as they are, think it's a meagre degree. But frankly, there's tremendous potential for growth and profit in that industry. He got into college in one afternoon. I could kill myself. -.-

For me the process is very veryyyyyy different. I'm studying AS, and soon A2 material. I'll be applying to USA, UK and Canada and maybe Russia, China and Singapore. I have to research the institutes i like and make a list. Damnit. I have to finish my As exams (currently on), A2 next May-June, SAT's, Toefl, UCAS and study this ginormous syllabus for the Indian Pre Medical Entrance cum Eligibility Test. All by my lonesome self.

Dad's not helping, not even financially as I have been made to understand it. Mum's too far to help, though I doubt it would do any good. I need someone who will help me apply, like a personal assistant with super skills or something cause for the next year I will be spending way too much time studying to do any of this stuff.

Mum's like "just do it, just get into a fantastic institute somewhere abroad. Just get a scholarship and come over to London." I say "okay, I'll try." But what I'm really thinking is, " If it were that easy do you really think I'd need you to tell me that??" The pressure doesn't usually get to me, but like my brother's been butting into my business recently, and that irks me. I feel awful, and very ill of confidence.

It's not just me, this happens to every youth in West Bengal.

I feel so lonely sometimes with noone to whom I can talk. Like today, Dad's gone to Hyderabad, brother's spending the night in Salt Lake, and I'm in a house with 5 other people that I can't talk to (3 maids, a deaf grandparent and a crazy grandparent, 3 of whom I love). I don't want a boyfriend, but in these lonely moments, you can't help but wish there was someone around, someone helpful, someone who actually wanted to help, someone who actually tried to help with more than just words.

Junk food is not affording me any comfort. My Physics exam was crap; I'll probably have to do it again in October/November. I'm so tired of trying to do well. I wish we had a continuous assessment system. I suck at giving exams!!!! It doesn't mean I'm stupid!!!!!!! I wish I were in college already.

I don't even care what kind of college anymore. Anything would do. *Gasp. What am I saying???
I have to remind myself that I'm only working this hard so that I can go somewhere good. Uff, they should give me A's just for appearing for the exam. -.-

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